Fights between siblings while playing games or having their favourite food is common. They turn into sweet and sour memories of childhood as one grows up. However, a scenario of siblings harming each other or getting jealous can give rise to sibling rivalry.
Sara (name changed), a 28-year-old home maker from Murshidabad, shares her younger sister Riya’s (name changed) story with Happiest health.
‘If she can do it, why can’t you?’ is a phrase that was regular for Riya when she was in school, says Sara.
While Sara had outstanding academic achievements, Riya was average in her studies and as a result, their parents started comparing them. Prolonged comparison induced jealousy and rivalry in Riya’s mind. The consequences shocked the entire family. In a fit of anger, Riya cut up her mother’s saree and her sister’s photo. When her family realised this, they shifted her to a residential college in 2016, when she was in first year of college.
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“Things have changed now. Riya has been placed in good company and my mother realised her mistakes. But she is now quite distant from us. She has become timid and rarely speaks to us. Parents should not compare kids. Now I am a mother and I have seen how upset my daughter becomes if I compare her with her elder sister,” says Sara.
Unfair parental treatment can create sibling rivalry
“Most sibling rivalries happen because of favouritism and unfair treatment by parents. If one child is achieving more than another, the parents usually start to compare them rather than accepting each child as an individual. The parents’ role makes a big difference. They should present the achievement as motivation instead of creating a competition,” adds Vandana Choudhary, a child psychologist from Rajasthan.
“Fights between siblings are quite normal. Expecting no fights between them and treating the fight very poorly is another mistake that parents make,” says Dr Debmita Dutta, an author and founder of The Parenting Place, a Bengaluru-based centre which conducts parenting workshops and prenatal classes.
When should parents be careful?
Dr Dutta points out that siblings might start hating each other and complain that one person is always getting the favours.
“However, if they are trying to harm one another, then the parents should be careful as their children might become rivals,” says Dr Dutta.
Choudhary advises parents to take note of the following factors in siblings that can lead rivalry:
- Small age gap (1-3 years)
- Same gender
- Siblings who tend to fight regularly
“It might cause a negative impact on children if parents do not address such rivalries from a tender age,” adds Choudhary.
How to prevent sibling rivalry?
Dr Dutta provides some suggestions to parents in order to prevent sibling rivalry:
- If one child is achieving more than the other, they must ensure that the latter is motivated as well.
- Encourage team building by giving tasks which siblings can do together.
- Parents should treat a child as a person and give each child individual attention.
- They must not force the younger sibling to make the same life choices as the elder one.
- Children should be taught how to manage their emotions.
- A child must learn to share things like books, toys or food, as it can build harmony.
Choudhary adds that all kids are different, and parents should understand this. “If one child is a fast learner, the other must not be discouraged,” she says.
She further points out that in most cases, counselling is needed to prevent extreme circumstances. “Especially, when children become teens and still have a rivalry, counselling can give a better result to understand its exact cause,” Choudhary said.
According to Dr Kanchan S Channawar, senior pediatrician and pediatric intensivist at Kamineni Hospitals, Hyderabad, counselling sessions and behavioural therapies are helpful. “Talking separately with the siblings then along with their parents may help to understand the issue behind the rival mindset,” Dr Channawar said.
Doctors say that behavioural therapy is a set of therapies which are used to modify an individual’s negative and maladaptive behaviour. They notice that some children have maladaptive behaviour which comes in the way of a child’s efforts to adjust to a situation.
“There is a therapy called role reversal therapy. It helps siblings to better understand each other by swapping their roles,” says Choudhury. Role reversal is a psychotherapeutic technique used to develop better understanding and empathy between two people.
How to build a healthy relationship between siblings?
To build a healthy relationship, parents should give their children tasks (like cleaning or other household work), where they can perform as a team instead of competing, says Choudhary. “Once the children understand this, working together will become easier than doing it alone. Further, a bond will develop automatically,” she adds.
Dr Dutta observes that compromise and adjustment are essential between siblings. “The children will have a good relationship with everyone if they learn to share and adjust,” she says.
Dr Channawar says that parents should start building emotions among siblings. “They should engage them in each other’s work and avoid favouritism,” she said.
Takeaways
- Parents should not compare their children.
- They should encourage teamwork to foster bonds among siblings. and prevent sibling rivalry
- Parents should accept their kids as they are and not favour any child.
- They should always motivate the child who is achieving less than the other sibling.
