Sometimes, being in love can feel larger than life. The comfort of stability, the excitement of getting to know someone intimately, the discomfort of vulnerability, and the butterflies in one’s stomach – it can all feel enthralling and terrifying at the same time.
However, while some couples are lucky to experience these emotions alongside each other, some couples may have to face the hurly burly of love while being separated by geography and circumstance.
Long-distance relationships are characterised by certain challenges that can be difficult to navigate. Happiest Health looks into what it is like to be in a long-distance relationship and how couples overcome the challenges that accompany it.
Salmaan Patel, 27, a lawyer based in Ahmedabad, has been in a long-distance relationship for almost two years. His relationship with his partner was built online. They were friends for over a year and mostly interacted online before they became involved romantically and started dating.
“For us, entering a long-distance relationship was not such a massive shift. Being in a long-distance friendship laid a solid foundation for it,” he says. Their template for bridging the distance was already in place. As friends they already had a deep understanding of how to deal with each other across the miles.
Challenges of miles
Love, they say, knows no bounds. What happens when your significant other and you are apart not only by miles but also by time zones and oceans?
Navigating the distance can be challenging. Rohan Dandona, 27, a businessman based in Ghaziabad, found it hard to cope when the partner who stayed with him had to move first to another city, and then to another country for education.
At first, things were bearable as “There was a hope that we could meet [sometimes] though we were in different cities,” says Dandona.
But it was different and he struggled to cope with her absence when his partner went out of the country. It led to fights between them.
“Initially, I was consumed by selfish thoughts, failing to consider [the situation from] her perspective. However, as time passed, I tried to understand and accept the reality of our circumstances.” It became clear to him that his insecurity stemmed from his tendency to underestimate himself as a partner and feeling inadequate. “This insecurity peaked when she went abroad, as I feared she would find someone better there,” he says.
According to Shivani Misri Sadhoo, a couples therapist from Delhi, long-distance relationships can present unique challenges that are not typically encountered in geographically close relationships. Sadhoo lists a few common issues that often arise in such relationships:
- Lack of physical intimacy: Geographical separation makes it difficult for the couple to engage in regular physical affection, touch and intimacy which is are an essential component of many romantic relationships.
- Communication difficulties: Effective communication is crucial in any relationship, but it becomes even more important in a long-distance relationship. Time zone differences, busy schedules, and limited modes of communication can hinder regular and meaningful interaction, leading to misunderstandings and miscommunication.
- Loneliness and emotional disconnect: Being physically apart can sometimes lead to feelings of insecurity and doubts about the other person’s fidelity and commitment to the relationship. Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship, so it becomes important to address any insecurities or concerns openly and honestly. Building trust through consistent and transparent communication is the key.
- Different expectations: Each partner may have different expectations about the relationship, future plans or the level of commitment. If both of their expectations are not aligned, conflicts can arise. To avoid misunderstandings, partners should openly and frankly discuss their desires, goals, and expectations with each other.
- No time together: Shared activities, outings, and daily life routines contribute to emotional bonding, intimacy and mutual understanding. Without them, partners may feel disconnected and challenged to relate to each other’s lives.
Crossing difficult bridges
Patel sheds light on the different ways in which he and his partner overcome issues that challenge their relationship. Apart from their prior friendship, “The key for us has been complete and open communication,” he says.
He emphasises the importance of having difficult conversations and how they strengthen closeness. “In my past long-distance relationships, there was no proper communication, and that led to constant fights. Not communicating ends up leading to a lot of resentment and grudges. That is why it is important to have difficult conversations.”
Shared experiences are the crux
According to Monika Mande, a Bengaluru-based therapist, “Cultivating shared experiences helps in establishing a sense of closeness in relationships.”
For Dandona, shared moments evoke a deep sense of connection and belonging, ultimately enriching their relationship. “Sharing with my partner moments that encompass vulnerability and strength, sadness and joy, relaxation and a sense of vitality holds immense value in the present.”
Other ways of narrowing the distance would be to eat or cook meals together over a video call, playing games or watching television shows at the same time.
Patel and his partner often watch TV shows together: it makes them carve out time for one another and feel a sense of togetherness.
Some other ways of coping
Dandona says he and his partner have worked through every obstacle they faced. “Personally, I have struggled with communication, but my partner excels in this area.” She ensures that they have open conversations about their feelings, whether positive or negative, and that they address issues immediately.
They try to be mindful of small details of their situation and considerate about many factors. “By actively addressing trigger points and focusing on improvement, we enhance our relationship[and] also experience personal growth along the way.”
Therapists Sadhoo and Mande suggest some ways of overcoming obstacles in long-distance relationships:
- Realistic expectations: Recognise that it is normal to experience stress and anxiety in a long-distance relationship. Acknowledge the challenges that come with distance and set realistic expectations for yourself and your partner. Understand that occasional stress is natural, and manage it practically.
- Social support: Maintain connections with friends, family, and support networks. Engaging with others can provide a sense of support and distract from feelings of loneliness and the challenges of being apart.
- Focus on the present: Be mindful of the other person and focus on the present moment. Avoid dwelling on the distance or worrying about things that cannot be predicted. During the time apart engage yourself in meaningful activities that nurture personal growth.
- New ways of intimacy: In place of physical closeness, explore other forms of intimacy such as emotional, intellectual, and creative intimacy. Engage in deep conversations, share your dreams and goals, and express your creativity together to foster a deeper connection.
- Common time slots: When in different time zones, work schedules or logistical challenges, identify common time periods when you and your partner can interact. It may require some adjustments in schedules but finding some dedicated time to connect with each other will be worthwhile.
- Technology and creative communication: Apart from traditional text messages, phone calls or video calls, consider planning virtual dates, shared online apps such as shared calendars, photos or videos that remind you of each other. A collaborative playlist could also help. This also allows you to be together even while being apart.
