Namrata Nayak, 31, (name changed on request), who resides in Hubli, Karnataka, recalls falling in love with her classmate, and marrying him despite her family’s objections. Sadly, the affection that flourished early on in their relationship turned to bitterness after only a few months of marriage. Nayak soon realised that her husband was an alcoholic, which resulted in regular arguments at home.
Strangely, she defended her husband and went out of her way to present a perfect relationship with him whenever anyone criticised or questioned her choice.
Over time, things took a turn for the worse at home. When Nayak questioned her husband about his behaviour, he began blaming her nagging and neglectful behaviour.
She recalls, “There came a time when I started believing that I was not a good wife and went into depression.” Despite these challenges, she never thought of a life without him and did everything to please him.
What is codependency?
Nayak’s story is a classic example of codependency in a relationship. The term refers to a condition in which persons rely too heavily on their partner’s happiness and well-being, often at the cost of their own mental and emotional health.
Dr Ali Khwaja, a counsellor, columnist, and life skills coach at Banjara Academy, a counselling centre in Bengaluru, describes it as a situation wherein a person gets so deeply attached to the other that (s)he is willing to do anything to uphold the other’s respect and win love.
It obviously becomes a one-sided relationship in which the codependent gives all the love and protection and takes the responsibility to ensure that the other is not looked down upon in any way. “It rarely leads to a healthy bonding,” he says.
A 2022 study titled “How Codependency Affects Dyadic Coping, Relationship Perception, And Life Satisfaction,” by clinical psychologist Zsuzsa Happ and her team revealed that individuals with high levels of codependency tend to perceive negative coping behaviours in themselves and their partners more strongly, leading to a more problematic view of their relationship.
The study’s statistical model also showed that codependency, negative coping behaviours, and relationship problems can lead to reduced life satisfaction. In essence, the study indicates that the more codependent persons are, the more likely they are to perceive negative behaviours in their partner, and experience relationship problems during stressful situations.
Recognising the red flag
Rakshitha Ghadge, psychologist at YourDOST, an online counselling and emotional wellness platform in Bengaluru, says that it is often hard to spot a codependent relationship as there are no victims, persecutors, or saviours here.
She says, “They want to stay in the relationship even if they know that their partner does hurtful things.” Here are some examples:
- Taking time for self-care makes one feel selfish.
- One wants constant reassurance about the relationship.
- One finds it difficult to explain how one is feeling about one’s relationship.
- One has trouble being alone or finding happiness outside of the relationship.
- One routinely cancels plans to spend time with one’s partner.
- Ignores one’s morals or conscience to do what the other person wants.
Psychological and emotional factors in codependency
According to Khwaja, those who have grown up with low self-esteem, emotional neglect, and a lack of confidence in their own strengths and challenges, may become emotionally dependent and go above and beyond to maintain a relationship. Another possibility is the worry that the other may leave. Moreover, the codependent may help the other person behave in an undesirable manner more often.
Ghadge highlights key factors that fuel codependent relationships:
- Individuals with a family history of alcoholism or other addictions
- Individuals with a partner who abuses alcohol or has such other addictions
- Individuals with a family history of mistreatment
- Individuals mistreated by partners
Breaking free from codependency
To avoid falling into this destructive cycle of codependency, it is essential to learn how to detach oneself from the other person’s problems and take care of one’s own mental health. American writer and researcher, Melody Beattie writes in her book Codependent No More, “detachment doesn’t mean that we don’t care, but that we learn to love and care for our partners without losing ourselves in the process.”
Khwaja says that one should become aware that protecting the other is making matters worse for both. Try and develop one’s own identity; stop taking responsibility for the actions of others. Understand that the other will keep passing the buck, putting blame on, and putting down the codependent unless one takes a courageous decision to stop feeling guilty or responsible for the well-being of the other.
Ghadge’s tips to break free from codependency:
Set healthy boundaries: Communicate your needs and expectations clearly and respectfully and encourage your partner to do the same. This will help create a healthy balance in the relationship.
Pursue your own interests: Make time for hobbies, friends, and activities that bring you joy and fulfilment. This will help you maintain a sense of independence and prevent your life from revolving solely around your partner.
Practise self-care: Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. This includes getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, and engaging in self-reflection and self-improvement.
Avoid enabling behaviours: Do not make excuses for your partner’s negative behaviours or actions, and do not take responsibility for their problems or emotions.
Seek professional help: If you are struggling to break free from codependency, consider seeking the help of a therapist or counsellor who specialises in treating codependency.
Building boundaries for a stronger relationship
Change is not easy and takes time, but it is not impossible to heal from codependency, says Bengaluru based psychologist and therapist S Usha Rani. She suggests getting back to doing the things that one has always enjoyed. When one is in a codependent relationship, one may isolate oneself from others. So, such individuals must reach out to people they have distanced themselves from to rebuild those relationships.
It is important to first build one’s own identity, says Khwaja. This involves recognising that the other person is an adult and hence responsible for his or her own actions, and denying them constant support will help them learn to become independent. Explain to the other person, “I love you, but I won’t be taken for granted. Let’s have a fair give-and-take relationship for me to continue being here for you,” he says.
Characteristics of a healthy individual in a relationship
Aditi Tulshyan, marriage and family counsellor and certified trauma therapist at XpressIt Mental Health Services in North Delhi, says, “Codependency in a relationship is not bad but losing oneself in the relationship causes problems.” A healthy individual in a relationship looks like an individual with a strong sense of self, maintaining self-respect, introspecting self needs and assertively placing it in the relationship.
That is exactly what Nayak did. She sought counselling to overcome her distorted beliefs and become assertive. With her newfound confidence, she set boundaries with her husband. He recognised the gravity of the situation, apologised and sought help. Together, they developed healthy activities to prevent a relapse and Nayak’s husband has remained sober thus far.
