Imagine a close friend comes to you in tears, confiding in you about a personal struggle they are facing. As they pour out their hearts to you, you feel the urge to offer some words of advice. But before you can even finish your sentence, they cut you off with a frustrated sigh and say, “I don’t need you to fix it, I just need you to listen.”
It can be easy to fall into the trap of offering advice when someone we care about is going through a tough time. However, often, what they really need is for us to simply be present, to listen without judgment, and to offer support and empathy. In this article, we will explore the pitfalls of offering advice, strategies to listen effectively and offer validation without trying to fix everything.
The pitfall of playing the fixer
Aditi Tulshyan, marriage and family counsellor and certified trauma therapist at XpressIt Mental Health Services in North Delhi, says that when we offer advice, we assume that we fully understand the other person’s situation, which may not be the case. “Offering advice assumes that we have all the answers and can easily solve the other person’s problem, but the reality is often much more complex,” she says.
For instance, Rajesh Reddy, 31, who moved from Chennai to Hyderabad on getting a new job, took it as a good opportunity to be with his parents who stayed there. On the first day when his father gave him details of the bus routes, Rajesh felt that his father saw him as incapable.
Similarly, Priti Singh, a 26-year-old mother from Bengaluru, felt defensive and responsible for her daughter’s eating habits when she discussed it with a group of parents outside the school. “That lady (mother of another child) was unknown to me, and I could not understand how to react to this situation. The way she started giving suggestion it seemed that I am responsible for my daughter’s not taking food,” she recalls. When someone offers unsolicited advice, it can be challenging to know how to react, particularly if the advice is unwarranted or misaligned with our own beliefs.
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The healing power of listening
According to a study published in the International Journal on Transformations of Media in 2019, a lack of effective listening affects formal and informal relationships at the workplace. The study conducted on 123 individuals in Bhopal also suggests that effective listening decreases conflict, builds trust, and gives people the skills to inspire and motivate others.
Listening without giving advice allows the speaker to feel heard and validated. Moreover, it helps the listener to understand the situation better and offer more meaningful support.. Tulshyan says, “it can strengthen the relationship between the two parties by fostering trust, empathy, and mutual respect.”
Techniques to support without offering solutions
Sharanya NR, psychologist at YourDOST, an online counselling and emotional wellness coach in Bengaluru, suggests some techniques to show empathy and understanding, without necessarily offering advice or solutions.
- Listen to people without interrupting them. It helps build trust and rapport, gain a deeper understanding of their perspective, and promote effective communication and problem-solving.
- Use body language and non-verbal cues such as nodding and eye contact to let them know you are paying attention to them.
- Put yourself in their shoes to gain their perspective on the problem. Listen without judgment even when you do not necessarily agree with them.
- Engage more with new people and new experiences with the above-mentioned in mind can develop empathy.
Ways to improve listening skill by Sharanya
Maintain eye contact with the speaker to ensure your attention is solely focused on them and not getting distracted by the things around you.
Notice the judgments inside you when you are listening to them. Thoughts like “Oh, that’s a bad thing to do” or “I would have done something different here” would compromise the efficiency of listening. Instead, have an open mind and understand the listener’s thoughts and feelings to improve listening efficiency.
Do not interrupt or jump to give solutions. When someone wants advice, they will almost always ask for it. When you get the urge to do so, ask yourself “Where is the need to give advice coming from?” When you dig deeper into yourself and identify this, you can tackle the urge more efficiently.
