The year 2003 was a difficult period for Inderpreet Singh, 13. The boy from Firozpur, Punjab, struggled to cope with – nay, even express his grief – after he lost his mother.
“I never got a chance to express my emotion, my sorrow. I didn’t know whom to speak to about this and felt there was nothing to speak about as well,” he recalls. For years he had tried to ignore what was welling up inside him.
As a result of bottling up his emotions, he became “emotionally unstable and struggled to cope with the trauma.”
Akshit Rajpal, 25, media and entertainment lawyer based in Mumbai, is “considerably lucky” to have grown up amid women who freely expressed their emotions, and so did he as a child. “Once I started going to school, I was surrounded by boys who didn’t have this outlet. While I was among them, I felt expressing one’s emotions was not acceptable.”
Singh’s and Rajpal’s stories are not unique. Bengaluru-based counselling psychologist Prajakta Raibagi says, “In my regular practice, I notice that even if men initiate the process of opening up, most often they do not have the skill to speak out freely. It takes them a little longer than it would to most women.”
EXPECTATIONS OF MASCULINITY
In many societies, men are expected to be strong and stoic. This expectation often inhibits them from letting their feelings out freely and hinders their ability to connect with others or understand themselves.
Kolkata-based content creator Titas Khan, 25, says, “Being raised in a fairly conservative environment, I was conditioned to believe that men should be stronger than others.”
“I have been greatly affected by the idea that men shouldn’t be emotionally vulnerable or cry. It makes it difficult for me to cry or cope with my emotions,” says Khan.
Raibagi makes an interesting observation. “In most cultures men are raised to believe that they should express only the emotions from the `happy’ and `mad’ clusters, but not from the `sad’ and `fearful’ clusters as it is seen as a sign of weakness.”
Which is perhaps why many men show anger when, in fact, they feel fearful, anxious, overwhelmed, sad, incapable, or rejected. It is also understandable: expressing anger is seen as a sign of machoism and power, she observes. “Culturally and socially, this belief is reaffirmed multiple times in their life span.”
Dr E Aravind Raj, additional professor, Department of Psychiatric Social Work, National Institute of Mental Health and Neurosciences, Bengaluru, feels that culturally, it is all right for women to cry. “But the external reaction of men is typically one of aggression, irritability and anger.”
Author and sociologist, Dr N P Hafiz Mohamad, head of the Sociology Department, University of Calicut, blames the way environment has nurtured and processed patriarchy. “The process of socialisation is what is making this `genderisation’. The sex of a person is a physiological classification, whereas gender is culturally developed.”
BOTTLING IT UP IS BAD
Bottling up feelings can have serious consequences, both for the individual and those around them. These can include anger issues, suicide, and addiction, says Dr Raj.
Devika Divya Choudhuri, professor, counseling program, Eastern Michigan University, says, “Men may have a higher risk of using lethal methods in situations of distress, and hence it is important to reach out for help when they are overwhelmed.”
Bengaluru resident Abhishek Iyengar, 38, is a theatre director, screenwriter and playwright. An advanced physical theatre course that he took in Boston in 2016, he says, was transformative and taught him the futility of suppressing emotions.
Despite starting theatre at the age of 16, Iyengar still struggles to express himself, partly because of societal expectations that men should not display their emotions.
He is also concerned that revealing his vulnerability may adversely affect the morale of his theatre team. “There is always the feeling that if I express my vulnerable side, the morale of the entire team might go haywire.”
However, in an 18-year-long career, he has used the theatre as a medium and an outlet. “I create characters that mirror me and I cry through them,” he says.
BREAKING THE CHAINS
Our Firozpur boy, Inderpreet Singh, is now 32 and works as a petroleum engineer in Mumbai. He types or writes out his feelings, “I do not look at the concept of ‘be a man’ as my life’s mantra, so I am able to express myself better.”
Fortunately, the days of stereotyping men as macho people who hide their emotions are dying; men are increasingly becoming aware of and shedding their emotions, says Raibagi. “Some of them now choose to be open with colleagues, friends, family or even with mental health professionals and coaches,” she says.
Choudhuri concurs. “The good news is that Generation Z not restricting their emotions and are open about being vulnerable to share or shed a tear,” she says.
Creating a healthy society that is open about its deep feelings will bear fruit over time, says Dr Hafiz. “The roles that are played by both men and women need to be designed not based on gender but on human rights. These small changes will have farreaching benefits over time.”
Rajpal says he has no qualms about crying in deeply moving situations or about letting his emotions out; it makes him feel lighter and his mind clearer. He says he is at a place where he has no problems with it. His family and friends support him about it.
HIS ADVICE: bottling up feelings will hurt us more
RESEARCH SAYS
A 2018 study published in the American Journal of Men’s Health found that men experience more externalising symptoms such as violence and substance abuse, attributed to socialisation and traditional gender roles.
Measurement and clinician bias may underestimate the prevalence of anxiety and depression in men.
“Let us not truncate qualities of a human being; whatever be the sex we were assigned, none of us can claim to be a 100 per cent of that sex biologically or structurally or even embryologically,” says Dr Sangeeta Saksena, co-founder of Enfold Proactive Health Trust, Bengaluru, who has conducted sessions on gender equity, sexuality and personal safety for children and adults since 2001.
“Compartmentalising babies into different sexes and expecting them to cultivate only those qualities that society has attributed to that particular sex is a disservice to the humanity of the child, as they are then likely to grow into emotionally and psychologically truncated human beings,” says Saksena.
This article was first published in the March 2023 issue of the Happiest Health magazine. To read more such stories subscribe to the magazine.
