Did you know that lack of efficient communication is among the leading reasons for relationships to break down—across the world? American psychologist, Dr John Gottman has been studying relationships for more than 50 years now and, along with his wife, has worked with about 40,000 couples so far. The duo claims that most relationships fail due to poor communication.
Closer home, for instance, a study of 50 couples in Kerala concluded that interpersonal communication skills are necessary to strengthen the bond between the partners.
So, what is healthy communication?
Good communication doesn’t have to be a nonstop, live commentary on how you feel. It is simply a succinct expression of your desires, concerns, and expectations, without the receiver feeling attacked or abased.
Why is communication important?
Speaking to each other and having a fulfilling dialogue is critical for any connection, whether romantic, platonic, or even professional. According to Better Health, by the Department of Health, Victoria, this helps build trust, meet your needs, and make you feel more allied in the relationship. While some may be able to communicate through brain waves or telepathy,most need to speak up. “No matter how well you know and love each other, you can’t read their mind,” it adds. Talking, and listening, also averts confusion and feelings of hurt, anger or resentment.
Types of communication
Experts believe there are essentially two types:
- Verbal: This is the use of words to share information, and includes both spoken and written modes of communication.
- Non-verbal: This is perhaps the trickier one, as we end up relaying a message without even intending to. There’s a strong mind-body association in communication, and, often, our body language, facial expression, the tone of voice, betray our true emotions, despite the content of what we say.
How to improve communication:
- Draw a mind map, particularly when wanting to address a concern. Prepare well, with concise sentences, using words that connect ideas and transmit your thoughts most crisply. This way, you’ll have more lucidity of expression. It will also help the listener get you better.
- Avoid accusatory statements like ‘You are’. It puts the other person on the defensive. Instead, use terms like ‘I feel’, ‘I need’.
- Watch out for any harshness in your tone, words and attitude. For instance, you don’t need to raise your voice to be heard. And no personal digs—it is belittling and reeks of passive-aggression.
- Be open to listening, and without interrupting. Talk to understand each other and resolve the issue, not for one-upmanship.
For romantic relationships:
While all the above-mentioned hacks work, here are a few extras that’ll take you a long way:
- Don’t bring the past in. The single most destructive thing you can do for your relationships is to harp on your partner’s past.
- Dr Gottman lists ‘Four Horsemen’: the worst kinds of communication in a relationship. They are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Avoid these.
- No Silent treatment. This kind of ‘punishing’ your partner is extremely toxic, and often doubles as the silent killer of relationships.
- Don’t communicate only when there’s a problem. Be generous with compliments as well. This will make your partner feel more encouraged about opening up, too.
