Bengaluru natives Rajiv Singh (45) and Sangya Singh (41) (name changed on request) were surprised when they received a call alerting them of their son, Pratik’s constant phone usage during school hours. Amid their demanding roles as bankers, they struggled to engage with their 9th-grade son, making them unaware of his escalating gaming addiction.
Interestingly, during a counselling session, it came to light that the teenager was grappling with feelings of abandonment, which made him rely on technology.
Dimensions of abandonment
According to the Singhs, the child shared a strong bond with his grandmother since his parents could not give him much time and care. Her sad demise had deeply affected Pratik. Despite previously excelling academically, his enthusiasm for studies waned, and his demeanour towards others turned increasingly impolite. The pandemic made things worse as he could not play with his friends anymore.
The child’s revelation during counselling echoes the profound effect of his parents’ absence. “I always missed my parents. Other children’s parents were present at parent-teacher meetings and school activities, but I always felt lonely,” he says.
A glimmer of hope in counselling
Through counselling sessions and their gradual understanding, a glimmer of hope emerged. Sangya, committed to the healing process and recognised her failure to notice her son’s need for attention. Moreover, Rajiv, once hesitant, began to understand the importance of his involvement.
The fear of abandonment refers to the deep worry or anxiety that one will be left alone, rejected, or ignored. It can take different forms, such as the fear of job loss, relationship breakups, or parents departing. If one has felt abandoned or neglected during one’s childhood, then it can leave a lasting effect on one’s emotional well-being later in life.
When this fear increases, it can negatively affect relationships and play a role in anxiety disorders, borderline personality disorder, and depression.
Abandonment occurs when individuals, whether children or adults, experience a sense of neglect or isolation during critical moments, says Akanksha Kothari, child psychologist and counsellor, Bengaluru. They do not receive the level of attention they require, leading to heightened stress and a need to act under the weight of panic. This not only affects their mental state but also negatively influences their day-to-day activities, she adds.
A recent study published in Biological Psychiatry: Cognitive Neuroscience and Neuroimaging revealed that the long-term effects of abandonment extend to future generations. The research discovered that children born to mothers who experienced abandonment and neglect may inherit brain abnormalities. Shortly after birth, children may exhibit functional disconnection between the amygdala (central for processing fear) and the medial prefrontal regions (responsible for emotion regulation), indicating abnormalities in their brains.
Root cause of abandonment issues
Abandonment can stem from a multitude of factors. “One significant cause is parental neglect, where caregivers fail to provide the attention and care necessary for a child’s emotional well-being. This lack of nurturing can leave children feeling invisible and unimportant, creating a void within their hearts,” says Dr K John Vijay Sagar, professor and head of the Department of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, National Institute of Mental Health and Neurosciences, Bengaluru.
Divorce and the loss of a loved one are another common trigger for abandonment. When parents separate, children may feel left behind, grappling with feelings of rejection. The absence of a parent or the disruption of the familiar dynamic can leave lasting emotional scars. The favouritism or partiality shown by caregivers towards one sibling may also aggravate the issue.
Early trauma plays a pivotal role in understanding abandonment’s effect on children. Experiences such as abuse, neglect, or witnessing violence can disrupt their sense of safety and security. These can even impair their ability to form healthy relationships, leading to difficulties in trusting and connecting with others.
The trajectory of abandonment
The trajectory of abandonment may begin during early childhood, typically between the ages of one to six. In certain situations, the seeds of abandonment silently influence a child’s emotional landscape. While they may not readily express their inner turmoil, their behaviours often serve as a window into their distress. Non-compliance disrupted eating and sleeping patterns, and various forms of acting out can signal their unspoken cries for attention and connection.
As they become adolescents, the effect of early abandonment becomes more pronounced, with behaviours often mirroring the emotional void. This period becomes a time of replication, as they attempt to navigate relationships based on their past experiences.
Interplay of home environment, parental conflict, and upbringing
Kothari says that within the home environment, conflicts arise when parents exhibit contrasting parenting styles, leaving children perplexed and caught in the crossfire. Moreover, parental fights fuelled by domestic violence or alcoholism can disruptions intensify the child’s distress.
The way parents handle work stress and allocate time for their children is another crucial factor. “Placing excessive pressure on a child to attain perfection or limiting their freedom to explore and engage in age-appropriate activities due to obsessive-compulsive tendencies can contribute to feelings of abandonment,” says Dr Vijaysagar. Additionally, criticising, or ridiculing children in front of others for not meeting expectations further erodes their sense of self-worth.
Kothari says that children experiencing abandonment may exhibit constant physical ailments, using them as excuses to avoid tasks they perceive as overwhelming. “Healthy habits, such as reading or socialising, often take a backseat, and depressive behaviours may become prevalent,” she adds.
Siblings can become sources of jealousy, particularly when they excel in life, further contributing to household chaos and feelings of neglect.
Consequences of abandonment
A 2015 research led by Sophia Thabane from the National University of Lesotho, reveals that abandonment poses significant risks to children’s well-being and hampers their ability to adapt and thrive socially.
The study further states that trust issues may emerge, making it challenging for them to form meaningful connections and maintain healthy relationships. Low self-esteem often accompanies feelings of neglect, hindering their confidence and self-worth.
Thumb rule for parents and caretakers
Parents should actively initiate conversations with their children, ensuring their availability and attentiveness before tensions escalate. Seeking guidance from a counsellor, when needed, can also offer valuable insights and support. Dr Vijay Sagar says that engaging in age-appropriate games and activities promotes healthy development.
“Caretakers should display affection and love, while also maintaining healthy boundaries and avoiding harsh punishments that can further exacerbate feelings of abandonment,” he adds.
When children face abandonment issues, therapy and support networks are vital for their healing. Therapy offers a safe space for children to express their emotions and work through their experiences using techniques like play therapy or cognitive-behavioural therapy. Support networks provide a sense of belonging and validation, enabling children to share their stories and gain insights from others who have overcome similar challenges.
Moreover, interventions like art therapy, mindfulness exercises, and narrative therapy empower children to express themselves creatively, build resilience, and reframe their narratives. These approaches help them gain new perspectives, develop coping skills, heal and grow.
