While the term “gaslighting” has been around for over 80 years, it has only recently gained widespread recognition. This surge in awareness highlights a disturbing truth: countless people dealing with this form of emotional abuse in silence. If you look around, you will notice several people in your life may be experiencing gaslighting. It could be your colleague, a friend, or a family member.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that manipulates someone into questioning their own sanity. The term became so popular recently that American publishing house Merriam-Webster named it the “word of the year” for 2022.
Gaslighters are masters of manipulation. They twist situations, making their targets question their own sanity and judgment and become withdrawn and isolated.
Dr Pritika Bernice Gonsalves, a psychologist, American Psychological Association (APA) member and founder of Mindbasket India, a Mumbai-based company providing counselling services, explains that gaslighting thrives in isolation. She warns that gaslighting can have severe consequences for the victim, leading to anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and lack of self-esteem. “The immediate effect of gaslighting is low self-confidence and self-doubt, causing mental health problems,” says Dr Gonsalves.
You will observe that people who have been experiencing gaslighting for long are always apologetic, adds Gonsalves. ‘I guess it is my fault,’ ‘I am sorry, I did not mean it like that’ — you will hear it from them off-handedly, despite not being at fault.
If you suspect that someone you care about is being gaslighted, here are some ways to help them:
- Encourage open communication: A person who has been gaslighted for an extended period tends to feel ignored, even as they continue to isolate themselves. Encourage them to stay in touch with you and talk to you openly. Gonsalves explains that this way, you can help keep them out of isolation.
- Validate their feelings: A manipulator lacks empathy and attempts to control the target’s emotions. They are egoistic and assume that they are always in the right. This relentless manipulation leaves their target feeling worthless and sad. Simply validating the target’s experience can make them feel seen and supported. Remind them not to be apologetic about their feelings if the gaslighter questions them for making a big deal about something.
- Help them draw boundaries with the abuser: Help someone experiencing gaslighting break free from the manipulator. Often, the constant gaslighting can lead the victim to isolate themselves, allowing the manipulator to control them easily. Help them break free by encouraging them to set boundaries. Remind them that no one has the right to control their emotions.
- Help them document events: Help the victim track abusive patterns by getting them to write down specific examples of gaslighting, complete with the abuser’s hurtful words and the manipulation of the narrative. Creating a list of the positive and negative aspects of the relationship can also provide valuable insight. This process can help your friend decide if the person they are with is truly good for them.
- Guide them to get professional help: If your friend needs a third-person perspective, guide them to seek professional support. A therapist can help them understand their emotions better and determine what course of action they would like to take. This is best done before they lose all sense of self and worth.
