Madithaty Sri Harshitha, 23, found it difficult to trust people after her breakup. For a long time after the traumatic experience, the Hyderabad-based fashion student could not sustain any relationship.
We all face moments in our lives when we must decide whether to commit to something. It could be a relationship, a career, or a personal goal, but committing is never easy. For some, the fear of failure or the unknown is so overwhelming that they avoid making commitments altogether.
What is a commitment?
Commitment is the key to unlocking a life full of purpose, meaning, and joy, says Arouba Kabir, Bengaluru-based counselling psychologist. It is the unwavering dedication to a goal or a person—a promise to show up fully and authentically. “Commitment brings with it a sense of security and stability, knowing that no matter what challenges arise, I will stay true to my values and persevere with them.”
Cracking the code of commitment
According to Delhi-based couple therapist, Shivani Misri Sadhoo, numerous factors could contribute to a fear of commitment. It may arise out of specific trauma; like witnessing a parent’s strained relationship or divorce. Such individuals may have grown up with the impression that relationships or marital conflicts can never be worked out and may not want to walk in their parents’ footsteps.
“There are some basic things that individuals need to keep in mind while committing to someone,” says Sadhoo, such as the following:
- ‘Do I trust my partner?’
- ‘Am I ready for it?’
- ‘What are our values?’
- ‘What are mine and his/her future goals?’
- ‘Is there anything I need to know about?’
Barriers of commitment
Have you ever seen a bird building a nest? It collects twigs, leaves, and other nesting material to create a home for its offspring. But what if the bird was too afraid to fully commit to building the nest? What if it was too worried about the possibility of failure, of its nest not being good enough? That is the same kind of fear that can prevent people from fully committing to a relationship.
-
Fear of failure
Making no commitment at all can seem safer than taking the chance of disappointing or failing the other person. Sometimes, the fear of failing in commitments and relationships can hinder us from experiencing the happiness and satisfaction that could come from taking the risk, like learning to ride a bike or attempting a new recipe.
Kabir suggests approaching the fear of failure with compassion and self-acceptance. “Focus on the learning and growth that comes with committing to something new, embracing challenges as opportunities.” Celebrating small successes and staying committed to the goals with patience and persistence is what Kabir recommends. With time and effort, one can develop the courage and resilience necessary to overcome one’s fear of failure and pursue one’s dreams with confidence and enthusiasm.
-
Past relationship trauma and not wanting anyone to see one fail in a relationship
According to Sadhoo, past trauma, heartbreak, or disappointment can leave us hesitant to open up and fully commit. It is important to understand how past experiences have shaped our beliefs and expectations about relationships. It can vary from individual to individual. “Some people move on from trauma and seek new relationships, while others are haunted by past experiences when considering committing again,” says Sadhoo.
According to Kabir, the fear of appearing vulnerable and exposing our flaws and weaknesses can prevent people from fully investing in a relationship. However, vulnerability and failure are natural and necessary parts of any healthy relationship. By being open with our partners, we create a foundation of trust and connection that strengthens the relationship.
-
Overcoming the other commitment barriers
Kabir lists out a few other issues that can keep people away from committing or engaging with others:
Trust issues: Individuals who have been betrayed or hurt in the past may struggle to trust others and may find it difficult to engage in close relationships.
Fear of losing independence: Some people may be hesitant to commit to a relationship because they fear losing their sense of independence or autonomy.
Fear of uncertainty or attachment issues: A general sense of anxiety or uncertainty about the future or attachment issues that make it difficult for them to form secure and stable relationships.
Lack of confidence: Individuals who lack confidence or struggle with low self-esteem may feel insecure about their ability to engage with others and may avoid committing to relationships as a result.
“Overcoming these obstacles requires a willingness to confront and work through one’s fears and insecurities. This can involve seeking support from a therapist or counsellor, developing a strong sense of self-awareness, and building a strong support network of family and friends,” says Kabir. With time and effort, it is possible to overcome these barriers and engage with others in a meaningful and fulfilling way.
For instance, Harshitha, who had struggled with dating following her previous relationship trauma, is currently in a relationship.
She talks to her boyfriend about her fears and concerns. “He is understanding and supportive. He helped me understand that commitment was not about giving up my power but about sharing it with someone one trusts.”
They have discussed their beliefs and objectives and have discovered that they are aligned. She now finds a great sense of security and self-assurance in her new relationship.
