Prasad S, an IT employee from Bengaluru, recalls raising his son Rishi (12) when he was young. “As both me and my wife are working professionals, we often had to find time to engage with him,” he says. The couple took turns engaging with their son amidst busy schedules, as they were concerned about ‘only child syndrome’.
Rishi enjoyed the company of his friends and extended family as he grew up, and did not always depend on his parents. “It would always be a treat for him to meet his cousins and family whenever we visited them.”
Prasad feels that this is because Rishi grew out of his shell fairly quickly and enjoyed being social. “When he is with younger children, he naturally assumes the big brother’s role. Now that he’s in his pre-teens, I feel he truly enjoys the company of his friends much more than being around his parents. However, as long as he’s happy, we’re content.”
It can be difficult for parents of an only child to play the role of the child’s sibling. It is wonderful when their child is surrounded by peers during playtime. But sometimes, it can be hard for parents to actively engage with their child at home.
What is only child syndrome?
The term ‘only child syndrome’ was coined in 1898 by American psychologist E.W. Bohannon in his study The Only Child in a Family. He concluded that behavioural traits in an only child are mostly negative due to overbearing parents, which include being self-centred, selfish and lonely. However, research throughout the years has concluded that while some of these traits can be synonymous with only children, it is not a medical condition.
“It is a myth. Using the word ‘syndrome’ comes with its own connotations. While there can definitely be problems associated with an only child, it cannot be termed as a syndrome,” says Dr Priyanka Puri, consultant child psychologist, Sir H.N. Reliance Foundation Hospital and Research Centre, Mumbai.
She adds that the American Psychological Association and the World Health Organization do not recognise the term ‘only child syndrome’.
Raising an only child: Balance is key
Dr Puri defies the common stereotype about single children being stubborn, selfish and arrogant. However, raising an only child can be difficult, as it requires parents to find a balance.
There are two prominent styles of parenting that parents stick to while raising an only child — authoritative parenting and permissive parenting. An imbalance between both these styles can cause children to adopt negative traits, says Dr Puri. “Sometimes, parents are too authoritative. When they have only one child, they tend to command, control and get involved in everything that the child does. This can affect a child’s personality, which is observed later in life,” she explains.
In permissive parenting, the child is overly pampered, and the parents try to meet his/her every demand, explains Dr Puri. “This eventually results in the child adopting negative behavioural traits, such as stubbornness, aggression, not paying respect to elders, short tempers, getting angry over delayed gratification, etc.,” she said.
Thus, she explains that finding a balance between both styles is key to reducing these issues. A good mix of both is suggested, depending on the situation. “A child needs to learn manners and follow directions, especially during the developmental stage [0-6 years old],” Dr Puri said.
Deepti Bhandari, a Bengaluru-based entrepreneur and mother of Shlok (8), explains how she comforted her only child by being actively engaged in outdoor games to escape boredom. In his younger days, Shlok’s parents ensured that they played games and engaged in activities with him. “But I also realised that getting him outside of the house is important, as it will keep him engaged while allowing him to meet different people. As a result, he gradually developed an interest and passion for cricket,” she said.
Do only children feel lonely?
The environment that a child is surrounded by plays a major role in his/her character development and the extent to which they can fend for themselves. “Single children are sometimes referred to as organised or responsible. However, this cannot be generalised, as it depends on the family setting,” says Zoha Merchant, a psychologist and co-founder of I Spy Hope, a platform providing holistic child development in Bengaluru.
“Children whose parents are overprotective don’t have the ability to grow independently, so they rely on their parents,” she explains.
Loneliness faced by only children is very subjective, Zoha says. “Some children might say they don’t want any siblings as they are happy receiving so much attention from their parents, while others may desire another child to share company with,” she explains. However, Zoha says that these ideas tend to change as children age. “When people are young, they prefer all the attention, but as they grow up, they admit they would have preferred the support of a sibling.”
How to keep an only child engaged?
Dr Priyanka and Zoha list some ways through which parents can keep their child engaged:
- Ensuring that the child follows a proper routine.
- Engaging their child in extracurricular activities to avoid inculcating negative behavioural traits (like introversion or being anti-social).
- Ensuring that the child is not glued to his/her gadgets and encouraging him/her to take part in educational or vocational activities.
- Taking the child to hobby classes.
Takeaways
- Only child syndrome is a myth. The negative stereotypical traits attached with an only child stem from an imbalance between authoritative and permissive parenting styles.
- Experts suggest that parents must find a balance between being authoritative and permissive to raise an only child.
- Only children must be exposed to various extracurricular and vocational activities for their character and overall development.
