Disciplining a child or setting boundaries for positive behavior are common dilemmas that parents face while raising a child. While the newer generation of parents is doing away with age-old parenting styles of punishments to discipline a child and adopting gentle parenting methods like reinforcement for positive results, an imbalance in reinforcement and punishment may result in undesirable behavior from the child, which may not be able to distinguish right from wrong. While every child is different and there is no right way to raise them, experts do mention that it is important to strike a balance between reinforcement and punishment.
Reinforcement vs punishment: What is the difference?
To figure out the right technique, Sakshi Maheswari, clinical psychologist, Niyama Digital Healthcare, Chennai, discusses the difference between reinforcement and punishment. “Reinforcement involves rewarding behavior to make it more likely that the behavior will be repeated. In contrast, punishment is used when we need to reduce the frequency of undesirable behavior,” she explains. Reinforcement has both positives and negatives. A negative reinforcement aims at a positive effect on a child’s behavior by removing a negative stimulus or something unpleasant for the child. It could be waiving off weekly cleaning chores if the child has secured good marks. Or ceasing to nag the child to clean the room if the child has completed the homework.
How much is too much?
It is not recommended to have an imbalance between reinforcement and punishment. Motivation is achieved through reinforcement. “To perform better, however, a child must be motivated from within,” says Maheshwari.
“When a child is rewarded with gifts every time, s/he performs well,” she says, adding that a child becomes externally motivated and repeats the act or behavior just for the sake of reward, which is not favorable for a child’s development.
Maheswahari explains the limitations of reinforcement. When a child is rewarded with gifts every time, she performs well. “But it can potentially become habitual for a child to keep expecting a reward,” she said.
On the other hand, punishment (being strict, but not being physically abusive, or hurtful) also has positives and negatives. “While punishment is not always advisable, it can be a reminder to a child to refrain from a particular negative behavior. But excessive punishment can make a child resistant to learning from mistakes sometimes,” said Maheshwari, who suggests that parents must adopt gentle parenting. She adds that, with frequent punishment, a child doesn’t bother about improving the behavior and becomes passive to parental scolding.
How to balance reinforcement and punishment?
Dr Shachee Dalvi, child and women psychologist, in Mumbai recalls an incident when a sudden shift in the discipline approach almost backfired. “Priya, a thirteen-year-old girl who was her parents’ only child, had everything she wanted and her parents would make it a point to fulfil her wishes. “This was the case for almost thirteen years until her parents decided they couldn’t always meet her demands. As she was pampered all her life, a sudden shift in the behavior of her parents of wanting her to be independent or saying no to her requests was not something that could be comprehended by Priya. As a result, she would often rebel against them and throw tantrums,” Dr Dalvi explains. However, the change was slow. Her parents had to use a mix of punishment and reinforcement.
In such cases, Dr Dalvi says that the situation can be handled gently by the following approach:
- Gentle and loving approach: Children must be explained what is right and wrong in a loving manner. In the case of lying, they should be informed of the consequences of that behavior.
- 50-50 strict and gentle approach: In teaching discipline here, the approach can be loving, but the words used must be stern to make sure they understand the seriousness of the behavior.
- 100% strict approach: Being strict in approach without using abusive, reprimanding language is what parents need to remember here. Instilling discipline in a child through abuse or beating is unacceptable. While keeping calm and patient, parents must convey their anger to their children.
- Transparent conversation: One must engage in healthy communication and only use punishment if the child fails to understand the gravity of their actions. Parents may follow the silent treatment method, where they do not speak to their child until and unless they apologize sincerely or repeat the mistake. They will realize their mistake soon enough.
Most importantly, parents must ensure that there is no imbalance in the disciplining approach. There shouldn’t be an instance where one parent comes across as lenient, while the other tends to be a lot stricter. This can affect the child’s behavior towards each parent. They might feel fearful of the strict parent and meanwhile feel like they can get away with situations with the permissive parent. Hence, parents must be cautious and take equal responsibility while commencing punishment and reinforcement for their children.
Takeaways
While some parents take positive reinforcement as a parental approach, some choose punishment and the latter is not desirable. While reinforcement involves rewarding a positive outcome, punishment is incorporated when parents need to put an end to a negative behavior. However, if parents prioritize one approach over the other, there can be an imbalance in parenting.
