Every parent wants to be the best they can be for their child.
But when it comes to how to get this right, it is a bit of a conflict to find the perfect formula that will help a child grow up to be kind, loving, emotionally secure and academically successful.
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And while every child and every parent are, of course, different, there are some common parenting styles in practice:
- Authoritarian: When it comes to rules, some parents do not take the child’s feelings into consideration. Such parents are observant, concerned and look out for their children, but are not willing to hear them out
- Authoritative: Parents make a lot of effort in maintaining a positive and communicative relationship with their child. They exercise rules but always explain the reasons behind them. Rules are enforced and consequences are given, but the child’s feelings are also taken into consideration
- Permissive: Parents set rules but rarely enforce them. Consequences are not given out often. Parents most often feel that a child will learn by himself or herself without much parental interference
- Uninvolved or neglectful: Parents do not spend much time with their children and rarely know where the child is and who they are with. Parents neither ask their children about school nor about homework or classwork
- Helicopter: Where parents get over involved in the lives of their children and want to fight all their battles themselves (like completing all their school projects and more)
- Free-range: This is when parents trust their kids to do more by themselves
Authoritative or authoritarian parenting?
The authoritative style of parenting gets the maximum votes, according to research, studies and experts. But the toss-up is usually between the authoritative and the authoritarian — since while trying the former, most parents can inadvertently (by overdoing things) cross over to the latter in their attempt to raise a child with discipline.
But the authoritative style gets more votes than the stricter authoritarian one.
So, what really is the authoritative style of parenting? It basically mixes understanding, sensitivity, reasoning, positive reinforcement and, most important, the setting of limits for children — but without threats or punishment.
Some studies have linked this method to superior child outcomes throughout the world. Children raised by authoritative parents are more likely to become well behaved, independent, socially aware and academically successful and less likely to have anxiety or depression or show antisocial behaviour.
Price of obedience
In her 2011 bestseller Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, Amy Chua, a law professor at Yale Law School, advocates this method, though she also mixes in some of the authoritarian (along with the authoritative) style of parenting that pushes children to excel academically. Authoritarian can be a bit extreme since it doesn’t really take the feelings of children into consideration.
“A lot of parents feel that just being strict is what works — but that’s not true at all,” says Dr Aparna Singh, a Delhi-based counsellor and rehabilitation psychologist who conducts educational workshops on issues such as leadership, learning styles and emotional intelligence. “Using punishment instead of discipline doesn’t work well for kids. So rather than teaching a child how to make choices, parents invest in making them feel sorry for their mistakes. A strict parent can make the child follow rules much of the time, but obedience comes at a price.”
Singh says if parents follow this method, children may become aggressive and are at an elevated risk of developing low self-esteem because their opinions are mostly not valued. “Very often, there can be frustration and anger towards the parents,” she says. “The lack of reciprocity of communication or poor communication with parents can impede the psycho-social and emotional well-being of the children.”
What works?
Singh feels the best parenting style would be when parents make a lot of effort in maintaining a positive and communicative relationship. “They exercise rules but always explain to the children the reasons behind the rules,” she says. “Rules are enforced and consequences are given, but the child’s feelings are taken into consideration. That’s the authoritative method.”
Carlota Nelson, director of the 2019 documentary ‘Brain Matters’, says using everyday experiences as learning opportunities is what matters. Her advice: to take play seriously, in the case of small children, and to always lead by example.
Dr Anupam Sibal, a paediatrician, a father and group medical director, Apollo Hospitals, Delhi, agrees. “I realised that if my son Devaang, who is now a senior marketing manager at Kraft Heinz Co, Chicago, was to believe in the values I wanted to instil in him, I needed to walk the talk,” he says. “Talking alone would not serve the purpose; action would be needed daily.”
In his bestselling 2015 parenting book Is Your Child Ready to Face the World, Dr Sibal says that leading by example is the kind of parenting that works since children tend to model themselves on what they see more than on what they hear. So, preaching without practising is a big no.
Also, there should be a lot of positivity involved in a child’s growing-up years and for that one must make efforts to keep the home atmosphere stress-free.
Mindful parenting
Early positive and supportive interactions with parents and other caregivers can have a long-lasting ripple effect on development across the life course as child outcomes are interconnected within and across diverse domains of development, according to ‘Parenting Matters: Supporting Parents of Children Ages 0-8’, a study published by the National Library of Medicine.
This basically means giving up old, obsolete ideas of parenting that one might have (thanks to one’s own upbringing) and moving ahead with the times. “Today’s parenting is obviously different from what our parents did 30 or 40 years ago. We must consciously parent — and that means being mindful, being alert to what we are doing with our kids, and that differs from situation to situation,” says Aditi Singh, 40, a Delhi-based restaurateur and parent to 13-year-old Shivani.
Shaila Singh, a homemaker in Delhi and a mother to two teenagers, Mysha (14) and Atharv (16), says as children grow, parents’ challenges and experiences with them change. “I was raised in a boarding school so I felt that hard discipline was the only way, but my husband — who had a different upbringing — made me understand that one can set rules with love too and not be too harsh as that affects the morale and confidence of children as they grow up,” she says. “I think I’ve found my perfect balance now as we have a great relationship with our kids.”
Best way?
The perfect style could be a mix and match: adjusting and compromising at times, but non-negotiable and rigid at others.
“Different circumstances require different behaviour,” says Dr Neetu Talwar, additional director, paediatrics and paediatric pulmonology, Fortis Memorial Research Institute, Gurugram, Haryana. “Be authoritarian when you are talking about wearing a seatbelt in a car or a helmet when you get on a bike — these instructions are not negotiable. Be permissive if your kid wants to have two ice creams at a time, occasionally. Be authoritative if your child wants two ice creams every evening. Then you could explain the harmful effects on health and not give in. The onus of successful and positive parenting lies in this.”
In the end, if your child turns out all right or even better than you expected, perhaps you can pat yourself on the back for hitting upon the best parenting style. “The onus of resolving conflicts lies with parents, who have to adapt to the changing times,” says educator Sonal Ahuja, founder, House Of Learning, Noida, Uttar Pradesh, who works with lots of children and parents.
“Also, there are no right or wrong ways of parenting. It is just the acceptance and readiness to position and build rapport with your children.”
