How I overcame grief

Grief is an emotion that is mostly not given its due. People try to deny it, avoid it or convert it.

Socially, we are in a hurry to overcome this emotion and get done with it. Is it fear? Is it a misconception that grieving means lingering in the past? I am not sure. But as I marked my father’s fifth death anniversary early this year, I can say I have taken five years to heal the grief of losing him.

The last five years have been a roller coaster, with various experiences, insights, awareness, hurt, healing and of course, enlightenment with respect to life. Through this article, I wish to reach out to those people who are struggling to cope with grief and encourage them to take their time — and also assure them that this journey is indeed a significant one.

My father passed away in January 2019 three months before his 84th birthday. I was not by his side. My last meeting with him had ended in sadness due to a family conflict, as a result of which I had to cut short my stay with him. When he died, I felt deprived. That remains a fact; however, now I do not “feel” deprived. I acknowledge that I was deprived of the opportunity of being with him in his last moments.

Empty words

As is common in our society, many things were said to me, some in good intent, of course, but unfortunately they pushed me deeper into grief.

“He lived his life. So why grieve?” Of course he lived his life. But I grieve because I lost my father who was very dear to me.

“He suffered. So be happy that he is relieved of his suffering.” I know that but I miss him, our conversations, our sharing, our camaraderie.

“You have your family. Focus on it and you will not feel his loss.” Well, my family existed even when my father was alive and that did not make him less special. My family cannot replace him.

“How long are you going to grieve?” I don’t know.

When the channel for grieving is blocked or not appreciated, it manifests in many ways. For me, it manifested as emotional outbursts, significantly poor tolerance, health issues and pessimism. Members of my extended family did not make it any easier for me either. I felt they, too, should ideally have been grieving.

I found it strange that my mother seemed too philosophical about his passing away (more so because she used to express shock and grief for many weeks over the death of distant relatives). I was unable to process her approach and hence could not empathise with her.

Double blow

My brother seemed wrapped in various other matters. With little or zero communication between us, I did not know if, or how, he grieved. He found me “emotional”. What traumatised me further was that neither of these two close family members wished to talk about my father and his life. I struggled alone trying to savour our good times with him. Alone, I recalled our times in my childhood and my pre-marriage days. While I got some relief, I would soon dive deeper into the well of grief.

To make things worse, as months passed, the bond with my brother slowly and steadily grew thinner and finally snapped. Both were men whom I had put on a pedestal all my life and now there was a vacuum. Now, I was dealing with grief of two losses. The fading equation with my brother drew judgements, opinions, labels and pressure — that sibling relationships have to be maintained at any cost.

Naturally, this took a toll on my physical and mental health. On the one side I was visiting doctors, counsellors and healers; and on the other side facing flak from the extended family. Through all this, my own family members helplessly watched me suffer. They empathised with me but did not know how to help. We would discuss every aspect of the issue for hours and end up exhausted, reaching nowhere. I would feel guilty that I was burdening my young daughters and my husband with my baggage, yet there seemed no light at the end of the tunnel.

A positive turn

For three years grief was my unwanted companion. But, thanks to the different interventions that I had sought, including my self-healing of my chakras and aura, weekly group meditations and weekly prayers to Sai Baba, some changes began to seep in.

I took up gardening and found it very refreshing; I became objective with my extended family, was mindful of my boundaries when it came to giving them time and space. Slowly I learnt that many relationships are superficial and shallow, discovered toxic positivity in many interactions and learned to handle them effectively. There was some clarity now about what to accept from different relationships and what not to.

I realised that even believing the need for maintaining and cherishing every relationship irrespective of what it offered was toxic positivity — and courageously let go of some of them. It helped me realise that in the absence of those relationships, I did not just exist, I flourished! What a journey!

An inward look

Yet, the baggage of grief continued. Now I decided to seek healing by walking the spiritual path, one of healing and deliverance. I learnt about a retreat for cellular healing being conducted near Chennai by a person named Arul Dev. I had once attended an  online session during the COVID-19 pandemic as a part of a self-healing series. This group followed the teachings of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother.

I enrolled myself for the retreat. Thus, in January 2023 began my journey into healing grief. I learnt to connect to my body, recognise the untransformed stuff in the cells and offer it to the divine. The experience at the sessions coupled with my regular practice taught me that to grieve a loss was natural and one can heal from it without pain.

I continued with the same programmes, learning to connect with the divine, feeling the presence of the divine in my body cells and experiencing the healing of various toxins that blocked the flow of the divine within. Gradually all this brought about changes in my physical and mental health: my bronchitis flew out of the window. My recurrently unstable blood pressure settled down. My emotions stabilised. My acceptance of the breakdown of relationships improved. My ability to respect my boundaries, my emotional well being and my physical body improved.

I then chose a week of solo time which further gave me ample time to reflect, respect and love myself and objectively perceive my experiences. I appreciated and admired my courage and never-say-die attitude and gently forgave myself for some of the not- so-acceptable reactions . I returned refreshed and energised.

Conversations within my immediate family gradually lightened and dwelt on other issues, relieving everyone that emotions were in check. Some appreciated the change, some did not.

A new beginning

Come January 2024, it was five years since my father passed away.  I could experience a shift within. I reflected on how his life could be celebrated. I am now comfortable and contented with the various relationship dynamics – whether present or absent. As I mindfully look forward to life, I remember my father and experience a sense of peace. I feel grateful about his next phase of journey and it says I have healed.

Here are my simple guidelines to those struggling with grief or to those battling emotional turbulences without knowing the root:

1. Grief is an emotion we experience when we go through any loss. It could be over the loss of a loved one, a relationship, a job, health, an organ or material possessions.
2. Acknowledge grief without guilt or shame.
3. Be comfortable to express in ways you are comfortable – crying; sharing with others; writing; spending time alone, whichever suits you.
4. Give yourself time to heal. Do not be in a hurry to “be done with it”.
5. Ignore and let go of advices, remarks or comments that do not support you in experiencing grief.
6. Be mindful of grief manifesting in other forms such as anger, mood swings and handle them consciously.
7. Avoid both toxic positivity and pessimism.
8. Practise self-compassion, do not be harsh on yourself.
9. Do not hesitate to seek professional help to handle the manifestations of grief.
10. Remind yourself that the intensity of love and the intensity of grief are directly proportional. Be grateful for the love you experienced before the loss.
11. Do not give up. Grief heals.

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